A post for my 2nd Anniversary 👫 💓

 It's been 2 years and there is a lot to share but I'll try to keep it simple. Meanwhile I hope you can take away some good things from here.

WEDDING STORY:

I had an arranged marriage as many of you know. The first time I met him I did not overthink it. He just looked calm and quiet (maybe shy or awkward). It was my first time that a prospective groom came to our house. I had nothing in my head. It was around April 2021. My sister said ‘he didn't look at you straight and maybe he isn't interested in the wedding’. I felt the same because when our families discussed future aspirations he said he wanted to do MBA and was waiting for results from IIM Lucknow. At that time I felt that if he converts IIM Lucknow, how will I go and live there for the next 2 years? I din't want to resign from my job. So we just waited for his results and he got rejected from IIML. It was sad but this is what led to our wedding 😂. 

FIGHTS:

Our fights were crazy back in the day. It was new for both of us and we knew very little of how each other's thought processes worked. He took me on a surprise visit to ITC chennai and I freaked out looking at the room rents there and had a fight with him in the reception. I told him to cancel immediately.
Poor guy didn't explain anything and just walked to the exit. Then I said sorry after which he explained that an offer was going on and iif we book a room that day 50% of the money value will be credited as points in the card and we can use it to avail services in the hotel. He planned that as a staycation for us. I felt bad.
He is the kind of person who doesn’t think he needs to explain himself to someone. It can be good but can also backfire in situations like these. He has also evolved from this behavior.
SURPRISES CAN SCREW SOMETIMES 😂

One more crazy fight was when we returned from a trip at 4:00 am in the morning. I'm very particular about hygiene and asked him to wash his legs before climbing on the bed. He was dead tired and he grew angry and went to wash his legs.

This is the fun part.
On the way there was a small plastic stool which he kicked and went inside the bathroom. Tears started rolling on my cheeks and I was crying on the bed.
He came back after 20 mins from the bathroom and begged sorry 😁. I was sad but eventually forgave him. I still say this incident when he tries acting smart. Just to remind him for fun.

UNDERSTANDING PERSONALITIES PHASE:

I got to this phase only after I started living with him in bangalore. Back in his home town I felt more like a person who gets the chores done because I had to do them. It wasn't the same for him because it's his home. We used to have arguments on doing the laundry and keeping the room tidy. Cleaning the room was not something he liked doing. He cleans his stuff occasionally but it wasn’t perfect enough for me. His dad used to do the laundry and I didn’t want to trouble him. But from my husband's perspective it was how things have been going on in his life.
I realized I'm a laid back person in my house because my dad did the laundry and the maid cleaned the house and my mom made food for me. Putting things in its place was something I did but everything changed in his hometown.

I had this realization only after moving to bangalore. I suddenly felt my husband became more of a person I wished him to be. Like getting the chores done. Then I sat back and thought it was because we only had each other here and we had to do it anyway. He became even more organized after he moved to his hostel room(Maybe he picked up some organization habits from me 😬) . 

IDENTIFYING TRIGGERS:
I also understood an important thing about our personalities. I'm a more active person in the evenings moving towards the night and he is the straight opposite as he is super active in the mornings and gets his chores done. This is super important to understand as it is the root cause of many crazy problems in life.
I like to leave the kitchen clean and wake up to a beautiful dry kitchen in the mornings.
He likes to put on some kuthu songs and vibe around 8-9 am.
I like waking up without any music in a calm environment.
He is hyperactive and can clean the dishes in the mornings.
I need a coffee in the mornings and I am a bit grumpy till 11 am.
I need 8-9 hours of sleep.
My husband can wake up between 7:00-8:00 am no matter what time he sleeps in. 

These things have caused a few minor arguments because we din’t know about each other well. I ask him to do the dishes before going to sleep but he goes to sleep and I used to do it and get frustrated at night. But after understanding him I just let the dishes be and went to sleep. He finished them up before I woke up in the morning. 

There’s a million other small things we need to work on in a relationship in order to keep it simple and happy.

Before knowing all this I used to have a lot on my plate to do and get annoyed but now life feels soo easy and breathable and relaxing. It feels good.
Once you get to know their personality TRUST builds up and no matter what anybody says about them you know if it's possible for your partner to do it or not.

PERSONAL GROWTH:

I wanted to be successful before getting married. But the time we got married we weren’t super successful. He was also a bit unhappy or not satisfied with the job and the same was there for me as well. He decided to give CAT one last try. I was applying for job interviews.
My organization back then was in coimbatore and didn't know what to do when WFH ends. He got interview calls from a few IIMs and I also eventually cracked an interview.
I was happy because no matter which IIM he gets in for the next 2 years I can travel and work from there as well because Accenture offices are there in most of the IIM locations.

He eventually cracked IIM Bangalore and we were jumping in joy. There was no limit to this new found happiness. 

LIFE AFTER HIS MBA:
I saw a new person in my husband after he joined MBA. He became more confident and happier. I'm learning a crazy amount of things here. I used to have very small career dreams but seeing the way people live here makes me feel like sky's the limit and you can achieve everything you set your mind to. I met a lot of new people from different backgrounds in his college. It's mind blowing as to how much you can learn from other people's way of living.
Seeing all this made me realize doing household chores is a very tiny part of life and there are a lot of important things to do in life rather than having silly arguments on silly things.

I learnt a lot from my husband because he is a very carefree person who focuses only on important things. I used to overthink conversations I had with my family or relatives or people that hurt me and after being with him I realized these are silly unnecessary things. I just shut the door to over analyzing conversations and it's crazy how peaceful I feel in life.

I also started reading books which I didn’t enjoy a lot earlier. I decided to stop being afraid of anything in life. I always used to think maybe I'm not good enough. I realized I feel this way because I stopped studying and started forgetting things I already learnt.
It's either you moving forward or backwards and there is no staying the same. This quote made me realize if you stop using your brain and keep doing monotonous things in life you will forget all the rich knowledge you gained in your school and college. Brain is a muscle that needs work to build on.

THINGS I CHERISH IN THIS RELATIONSHIP:

Spontaneous plans - I don't have to over plan anything. I can simply ask him to watch a movie with me at home or go on a midnight dinner to Rameshwaram cafe or a night show or a trip and he would do it in the blink of an eye.

Fitness trainer - We make each other go to the gym when we don't feel like doing it. He also makes me choose healthier choices in food.

Listener - Sometimes I complain about my career choices and cry to him. He would listen to it and calm me down.

Lifestyle - He never judged me when I used to overspend on my clothes. I eventually learnt about consumerism and realized how crazy I was. 

Being involved - He makes me feel included in no matter what he does in life. I know his UG college friends and his MBA college friends and it's actually fun to hangout with everyone he knows. I used to be very lonely when I moved here because I had no friends in the office nor my college mates. But he made sure I had fun here.

Career coach - He pushes me forward to apply for that job or give that exam even if I feel I'm not good enough for it. He applies to interviews on my behalf because I stopped for a while after being dejected that I didn’t receive any interview calls.

Love feels like a small word to explain this relationship. I can put in a lot of adjectives and make this cringe but I don't prefer to do it. He is like a cozy comfortable and warm space which I can have all to myself. I wish I'm the same partner for him as he is for me ♥️.
A Very Happy Anniversary Ameer. Hope to learn and grow with you till the end of my life 🥰 

Takeaway:

In case anyone is having fights in a relationship be sure to remember that it will pass. I always remind myself of this and it has helped me not to stay angry for more than an hour. Main reason for fights is we don’t understand our partner's personality.
Adjusting is an important part when partners stay together. I’m damn sure if I ask him to do the dishes or arrange something post 9 pm he would never do it. We can easily fight over it.
He knows very well that if he doesn't wash his feet before stepping on the bed I wouldn't like it. So we just adjust to these things. He washes his feet and I don't ask him to do any chores post evening and let him do it the next morning. If it's very urgent I will do it right way. This has reduced a significant amount of fights between us.
We still do fight over sometimes but it's mostly a few mins and resolve it eventually. 

Thank you for reading this long post. Let me know how it was  😁

 

 

Importance of having your own space

This is a taboo topic in India.

I stayed with my parents till 12th grade. Then I moved to college for the next 4 years.

Even while I was in college I wasn't practically alone because I had room mates and the same thing happened after I joined work as I stayed in working women's hostel. Then covid happened and I got married during covid and moved to his parents place.

Our own space there was our room. Then 10 months later we shifted to Bangalore for study and work reasons and it was the first time in my life that I got an entire space to myself. My husband got his own space inside his college (A single room).

While I stayed with my parents my job was to just take care of myself, eat and study. When I moved to hostel I had to tackle my laundry as well. Same happened in working women's hostel but extra responsibility was to pay my rent, tackle my finances and travel.
Cooking became an extra part of our schedules wherein we make dishes occasionally.

Each and every step of this living alone process thought me a lot. Now that Im in Bangalore Im practically incharge of everything from rent to bills to food to organising. At first I took it slow with minimal to no cooking then slowly incorporated it in the schedule. I dint know how to buy groceries so used instamart on Swiggy for 6 months.
My husband got his own room and I was shocked to see him clean it and organise it in his own fashion. He also did his own laundry which he used to delegate to his dad when we lived in his hometown.

REALIZATION
It is very important for everyone to have their own space. Im saying this because when I entered my mom’s kitchen she used to give me a lot of instructions on what is where and what Im not supposed to touch because it is her space.
Samething happened with his grandma’s kitchen. She organises the kitchen in a way that’s easy for her and because she is shorter she keeps everything in the lower levels of the cabinet. She also hates glass jars because it's tough for her to handle.
After I tried organising her kitchen I realised these things.
Now the kitchen we have in our Bangalore has a lot of glass canisters mostly stacked on top of each other and it's in higher levels of the cabinet.
Similarly, Me and my husband have issues in finding out spices so I decided to label them up.
When my mom visited she found my labelling funny but that is practical for us.

We also found it difficult to open and close spice containers so I shifted a small amount to a spice box and labelled them up. I never would have learnt all these things if I dint have a separate kitchen space.

These things are only limited to kitchen but also applies to all aspects of life. I need my own space during the evenings because I have quite a few office meetings and demos occasionally which requires a dedicated environment. But when we visit our parents place its quite noisy because they watch television at that exact time because that their space and chilling hour.

My sister had a lot of fun at my place and she made green tea for herself because I have a green tea space in my house (Nothing fancy. Just a kettle and few tea bags in a basket). My sister said if she had this kind of space with kettle and tea bags she would drink it everyday and make it herself without troubling mom.

I realised that my husband started taking care of his things and arranging them once he got his own space.

Best of all is my new found love for minimalism and slow living which I realised after the trouble I faced handling all the stuff. I bought only 20 pieces of clothing to bangalore and realised how little I need. This was the start after which I started watching content about the true cost of fashion, fast fashion, slow living, minimalism and consumerism. I also made my parents and his parents aware of these things and my mom started decluttering her home.

CONCLUSION
No matter where we live it is very important to have our own spaces to tackle and do things on our own. This reduces the burden of parents or partner and gives you a lot of free time.
Sometimes its not possible to live alone especially if you have old parents and grandparents to take care of.
But here’s the live example of my parents and how they created their own space.
My dads father lives with us in the first floor of our house having his own space (hall, kitchen, bed room) while we live downstairs. He makes his tea in his kitchen and has his own tv space.
When we are at home we often wear casual clothes (lungi, nighty and night wear) which we might feel in appropriate wearing in-front of elders and this own space gives us the freedom to do so while we are also there for them.

Hence start creating you own space to try out things which won't do otherwise.